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Karen – The Chaperone

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Played by: Marguerite MacIntyreKare

Appears in The Chaperone

Jerry meets Miss. Rhode Island at a baseball game and asks her out. Unfortunately she needs a chaperone and they end up with Kramer.

Jerry meets Karen who is competing in the Miss America pageant as Miss Rhode Island and must be chaperoned on their date. Kramer volunteers to chaperone and with his knowledge of Miss America pageants quickly becomes her personal coach.

Karen Quotes:

Kramer: If you were Miss America, what would you do to make the world a better place?
Karen: As Miss America, I would try and bring an end to world hunger. If every person sacrificed one meal a week, there would be enough to feed the whole world!
Jerry: That’s a hell of a plan. Listen –
Kramer: What advice would you give young people?
Jerry: Alright, Kramer!
Kramer: This is important stuff! She’s got to be able to answer these questions. She’s not going to have time to think, out there, with millions of people watching her. Any hesitation could cost her the crown. You know, poise counts.
Karen: You really know a lot about this, don’t you?
Kramer: Oh yeah, like last year? Miss Texas? Now, she should have won easily, but she lost points in the swimsuit competition.
Karen: Well, what could she have done?
Kramer: Tape her breasts together.
Karen: What else?
Kramer: Well, take you for example. Now, you’re very attractive, but you got a big waist.
Jerry: Hey, come on!
Karen: No, no…it’s O.K. Go on.
Kramer: Well, I’d recommend a waist cincher.
Karen: Really.
Kramer: Oh, yah. Just – thip! – suck you in.
Jerry: I’ll be right back.
Kramer: So, what’s your talent?
Karen: Magic.
Kramer: Mmm. I’m thinking of a number from one to ten.
Karen: Six.
Kramer: No, five. But you were close.

Kramer: How’s your evening wear?
Karen: Well, I’m wearing this red dress –
Kramer: Stop right there.
Karen: No good?
Kramer: Disaster.
Karen: Why?
Kramer: Well, you got brown eyes. You want to wear a green dress.
Karen: That makes sense.
Jerry: Well, here we are…
Karen: Kramer, would you consider being my personal consultant for the pageant?
Kramer: Okay. But if I’m going to do this, we play by my rules or we don’t play at all.
Karen: I am in your hands.

Kramer: No. Alright, watch me now. Turn, back, head up, shoulders back…posture. You see? Posture.
Karen: Yes, I see. O.K.
Kramer: Let’s try a few more questions, alright? If you were Miss America, and the U.S. was on the brink of a nuclear war, and the only way the conflict could be averted was if you agreed to sleep with the enemy’s leader, what would you do?
Karen: Kramer, are these questions really that important…?
Kramer: Yes, they’re important! If you stumble, if you hesitate, you can kiss the crown goodbye. Now if I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times – poise counts! It’s just as important as the others. Swimsuit! Evening wear! Talent! POISE!

Kramer: What is it?
Karen: My doves! They’re dead! I trained those birds for eight years! How am I supposed to do my magic act now?
Kramer: How did this happen?
Karen: They like it outside, so I kept them in a cage on the terrace…then I found them dead in a pool of water!
Kramer: Well, how did this happen?
Karen: It must have been an accident.
Kramer: Accident? This was no accident. These doves were murdered.

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