Played by: Jane Leeves
Appears in The Virgin and The Contest
Jerry’s new girlfriend Marla is a virgin. When Elaine meets Marla she educates Marla on the “normal behavior” of men after they’re done having sex with someone. This makes Marla hesitant to have sex with Jerry. In a later episode Marla learns about “the contest” and leaves Jerry’s upset. While waiting on the street she is picked up by John F Kennedy Jr., who was outside waiting for Elaine.
Jerry: Hi, Marla.
Jerry: George, Marla.
Marla: George. Jerry, Stacey.
Jerry: George, Stacey.
George: Jerry. Marla. (Realizing Jerry’s cue) Stacey!
Marla: So, how was your trip to Berlin?
Jerry: Trip to Berlin?
Marla: Remember? That’s why you put off doing the closets. You said you were going to Berlin for a while.
Jerry: Oh, right, right.
Marla: The wall had just come down, and you told me you wanted to be part of the celebration.
Jerry: Yes, yes, I did. But, you know, I was watching it on CNN, and they covered it so well I thought, “Why knock my brains out?”
Marla: You, know my boyfriend went.
Marla: Yes, I told him all about you going and he got all excited and decided to go.
Jerry: Oh, did he like it?
Marla: I don’t know. He never came back.
Marla: Let me tell you what I think.
Jerry: Please, and be brutal. I have no closet sensitivity.
Marla: Are you very fussy about your pants?
Jerry: I don’t think I am.
Marla: Because I have a very radical idea. Can you handle it?
Jerry: Try me.
Marla: Here’s what I’m proposing. We eliminate all this. The hangers, the bar, the shelves. And in its place install a series of hooks. We’ll put everything on hooks.
Marla: Everything. The shirts, pants, sport jackets, pajamas. We could get eighty hooks on here.
Jerry: You’re quite mad, you know.
Jerry: So your boyfriend never came back from Berlin.
Marla: Never came back.
Jerry: Oh, you must have been devastated being left for a wall.
Marla: It was about to end anyway. There was this… problem.
Jerry: Ah hah. (Buzzer) Excuse me one second. Yeah?
Elaine: It’s me.
Jerry: Come on up. Oh, it’s Elaine, she’s just a friend of mine. I don’t know what she’s doing here now. (Buzzer) I’m sorry. What?
Elaine: I didn’t get it.
Jerry: Ugh. So you were saying there was this problem.
Marla: Well, he wanted me to move in with him.
Marla: No thanks.
Jerry: Go on.
Marla: Well I wouldn’t move in because…
Marla: Well because…
Marla: Well because I’m a virgin.
Jerry: I like that thing in your hair there.
Elaine: Oh yeah? This woman was selling them at this crazy party I was at last night. You’ll appreciate this. Snapple?
Marla: No thanks.
Elaine: I was talking to this guy, you know, and I just happened to throw my purse on the sofa. And my diaphragm goes flying out. So I just froze, you know, ahh! Staring at my diaphragm. You know, it’s just lying there. So then, this woman, the one who sold me this hair thing, she grabbed it before the guy noticed, so. I mean, big deal, right? So I carry around my diaphragm, who doesn’t? Yeah, like it’s a big, big secret that women carry around their diaphragms. You never know when you’re gonna need it, right? (Sips the Snapple) Ahh.
Marla: I should be going.
Elaine: Look, Marla. This whole sex thing is totally overrated. Now, here’s the one thing you’ve gotta be ready for is how the man changes into a completely different person five seconds after it’s over. I mean, something happens to their personality it’s really quite astounding. It’s like they committed a crime and they want to flee the scene before the police get there.
Marla: So they just leave?
Elaine: Yeah, pretty much, yeah. Well, the smart ones start working on their getaway stories during dinner. How, you know, they gotta get up early tomorrow. What is about being up early? They all turn into farmers suddenly.
Marla: Wow. It must be pretty good to put up with all that.
Marla: Are you gonna leave after its over? You know, if we have sex.
Jerry: What? Leave? Where? Why?
Marla: You know, the apartment.
Jerry: Why would I leave? This is my apartment.
Marla: Well what if it was my apartment?
Jerry: Who gave you this idea I would wanna leave?
Marla: Well Elaine said men like to leave after it’s over.
Jerry: Listen, I wouldn’t put too much stock into what Elaine has to say about relationships. She comes from a broken home, and I mean that literally. A tree fell on her roof and cracked the whole structure. Her parents got along beautifully, but her house was in bad shape.
Marla: Maybe I should get going.
Marla: Let’s slow it down a little.
Jerry: “Slow it down”?
Marla: Well, You know..
Jerry: Ah, yeah.. I know.
Marla: You’re okay with that, right?
Jerry: Yeah, yeah.. of course. What, do you think I care about the sex? What kind of person do you think I am? That doesn’t mean anything to me. (Faint) I don’t care about that.
Marla: So, I’ll see you Saturday night, then?
Jerry: Sure, Saturday night.
Marla: Alright, then. Good night.
Jerry: Goodnight. Not just a good night – a great night.
Marla: Let’s go in the bedroom.
Jerry: You sure?
Jerry: You really want to?
Marla: I do. I’m ready.
Marla: I know how difficult this must have been for you.
Jerry: (Chuckles) You don’t know the half of it.
Marla: What do you mean?
Jerry: Well, it’s kinda silly, but..
Marla: Contest?! A contest! This is what you do with your friends?
Jerry: No, it was just a bet. I mean, it actually started with George and his mother-
Marla: I don’t want to hear another word. And to think how close I came to you being the one! I must have been out of my mind.
Elaine: Marla? Hi, oh, I’m glad I ran into you-
Marla: I don’t want to have anything to do with you or your perverted friends. (Confused, Elaine moves closer) Ooohh, get away from me! You’re horrible. Horrible! All of you!