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Newman – When You Control the Mail, You Control… Information

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Newman lives down the hall from Jerry and Kramer in apartment 5F.

He is Jerry’s sworn enemy but often teams up with Kramer in many of his elaborate schemes.

Newman is cunning, speaks in a humorously sinister tone and he can climb a tree like a bear. He is played by Wayne Knight.


Newman appears in:

The Suicide

Newman finds out that Jerry is having an affair with his neighbor’s girlfriend, but Jerry is able to buy his silence with a Drake’s Coffee Cake.

“I can’t eat fruit. It makes me incontinent.”

The Boyfriend

Kramer and Newman accuse Keith Hernandez of spitting on them after a Mets game.

“Well, maybe because we were sitting in the right-field stands to curse at him in the bullpen all game.”

The Keys

Newman tells Jerry and George that Kramer has left for LA.

“You heard me. So he packed it up and split for the coast. La-La Land. LA.”

The Pitch

Newman trades his helmet to Kramer in return for his radar detector but later finds out that it is broken when he gets pulled over for speeding.

“We had a deal. Are you reneging out of the deal? Are you reneging? That’s a renege.”

The Ticket

Kramer agrees to testify at Newman’s trial for a speeding ticket that Newman was racing home to stop Kramer from committing suicide, upset that he never became a banker.

“Every night I sleep in a really hot room, I don’t want to kill myself.”

The Pick

Jerry brings Newman into his apartment and asks if he can see Elaine’s nipple in her Christmas card photo.

“Your nipple’s showing”

The Old Man

Kramer and Newman try selling some of Jerry’s old records to a used record store but learn that they aren’t worth much.

“You know Ron’s Records down on Bleeker? They pay big cash for used records!”

The Pilot

Newman is shown asleep on his couch watching the Mets instead of watching the Jerry pilot.

The Sniffing Accountant

Jerry, Kramer, and Newman come up with a plan to find out if their accountant is using cocaine.

“South America?! What kind of snow blower did you get us mixed up with?”

The Lip Reader

When Newman learns that Jerry is dating a woman who can read lips, he asks if he can borrow her to listen in on his supervisor’s conversations at work.

“I hear you’ve got some lip reader working for you. You gotta let me use her for one day”

The Non-Fat Yogurt

Newman is a big fan of the new non-fat yogurt shop in the neighborhood until Jerry and Elaine learn that the yogurt actually has fat and they are forced to serve real non-fat yogurt.

“Well, I wouldn’t hear of it. I said, “Nice try, granny!” And I sent her to the back of the line!”

The Barber

Jerry’s barber Enzo is suspicious that he is getting his hair cut by his nephew Gino, so he bribes Newman to get a sample of Jerry’s hair to prove it.

“Hmm, that job sounds like it might be worth a year’s free haircuts… and a comb!”

The Marine Biologist

Kramer drops a boot out of his window and hits Newman on the head as he walks down the street.

The Big Salad

Jerry learns that his girlfriend Margaret used to date Newman and that he was the one who ended the relationship.

“Well, tootle loo. And nice seeing you again Margaret, goodbye Jerry. Have fun.”

The Switch

When Newman is out of town, Kramer uses his keys to borrow a tennis racket but sees his mother Babs hooking up with Newman.

“What makes you think I’m lookin’ for trouble?”

The Label Maker

Kramer and Newman play a game of Risk and leave the board in Jerry’s apartment so that no one will tamper with the game.

“Nothing, just being neighborly.  Do you wanna hang out?  Shoot the breeze?”

The Scofflaw

Kramer tries to convince Newman, the scofflaw, to turn himself into the police and stop the life of a fugitive for unpaid parking tickets.

“I can’t sleep, I tell you! I can’t sleep!”

The Doodle

Jerry finds Chunky wrappers in his apartment and realizes that it was Newman who gave him fleas.

“So, you have fleas. Maybe you keep your house in a state of disrepair. Maybe you live in squaller”

The Diplomat’s Club

Kramer asks Newman to bring his Son of Sam mailbag to the airport as collateral so he can continue betting with Earl Heffler.

“Oh no. Don’t tell me. You’re gambling again, aren’t you? Oh you weak, weak man.”

The Engagement

Newman helps Elaine get rid of the dog that is barking and keeping her awake all night.

“I see many dogs on my mail route. I’ll bet there’s not one type of mutt or mongrel I haven’t run across.”

The Soup Nazi 

Like everyone, Newman is a big fan of the new soup stand in the neighborhood.

“One large jambalaya, please.”

The Pool Guy

Newman knocks out Ramone, the new pool guy when he jumps into the health club pool.

“Hey, Jerry. Look at all the towels they gave me! I really hit the jackpot!”

The Seven

Elaine and Kramer have Newman, a neutral third party, decide a dispute over a bicycle.

“I have made a decision. We will cut the bike down the middle, and give half to each of you.”

The Shower Head

Jerry, Kramer, and Newman hate the new low-flow showerheads recently installed in the building, so they shop the black market for the high power shower heads.

“I have a private matter to discuss with my fellow tenants.”

The Calzone

When Steinbrenner tries one of George’s calzones from Pizano’s and gets addicted, George pays Newman to pick up calzones for him on his mail route.

“Well, I saw that it’s raining outside, so I called in sick. I don’t work in the rain.”

The Bottle Deposit

Newman learns that bottles and cans can be refunded for 10 cents in Michigan, but Kramer warns him that his plan will never work because of the cost of travel.

“You get five cents here, and ten cents there? You could round up bottles here and run ’em out to Michigan for the difference.”

The Soul Mate

When Kramer falls for Jerry’s girlfriend Pam, he consults Newman for advice. Newman gets in the middle of Jerry and Kramer’s relationship with Pam, bribing Jerry to find out more about his obsession Elaine.

“Jerry! What could she possibly see in Jerry?”

The Package

Newman grills Jerry on the suspicion of mail fraud.

“It’s pretty hot under these lights huh Seinfeld. Pretty…Hot”

The Chicken Roaster

When Jerry and Kramer switch apartments because of Kenny Rogers Chicken Roaster, Newman starts sneaking chicken to Kramer. Jerry discovers the scheme when he sees Newman order broccoli, knowing he wouldn’t eat broccoli if it was deep fried in chocolate.

“Vile weed!”

The Andrea Doria

Newman has been hiding mail bags in Kramer’s self-storage, so Jerry helps Newman get rid of the mail to better the chance that he gets transferred to Hawaii.

“The air is so dewy-sweet you don’t even have to like the stamps”

The Pothole

Newman runs over a sewing machine in his mail truck and the sparks ignite, causing the truck to go up in flames.

“You’re once. Twice. Three times a lady.”

The Millennium

Kramer and Newman are throwing competing New Years Eve parties for the new millennium.

“You just got it? Damn, the mail is slow.”

The Muffin Tops

Elaine calls on the help of Newman, “the Cleaner”  to help her get rid of her extra muffin stumps.

“If I’m curt, then I apologize. But as I understand it, we have a situation here and time is of the essence.”

The Butter Shave

Newman becomes interested in eating Kramer when he smells his skin cooking in butter.

“You know, old friend, sometimes I ponder this silly gulf between us and I say, “Why?” Are we really so different.”

The Blood

Jerry learns that he had a blood transfusion with Kramer, but is horrified to learn that it was actually Newman’s blood.

“Hello Jerry”

The Junk Mail

When Kramer goes to the post office to permanently cancel his mail, Newman admits that no one actually needs mail but that there is a greater conspiracy at work.

“I’ll handle this, Violet. Why don’t you take your three hour break”

The Merv Griffin Show

Kramer invites Newman to co-host his show to help relieve the pressure of being a host.

“Yeah? Well, you bombed! That story stunk worse than these chairs!”

The Betrayal

Kramer tries to get Newman to use his birthday wish to protect him from dropping dead.

“You see, my dear, all certified mail is registered, but registered mail is not necessarily certified.”

The Reverse Peephole

Kramer and Newman decide to reverse the peepholes in their apartments to protect from an intruder waiting to jack them with a sock full of pennies.

“The reverse peepholes. Silvio said I’m an agitator and I’m out of the building.”

The Cartoon

Sally Weaver starts talking bad about Jerry during her show and Newman becomes her biggest fan.

“It’s so great to see a show that’s (looks at Jerry) about something.”

The Bookstore

Kramer and Newman plan to run a rickshaw service in the city.

“It’s the romance of the Handsome Cab without the guilt or dander of the equine.”

The Finale

Newman appears at the trial of Jerry, George, Kramer, and Elaine.

“Hear me and hear me well – the day will come. Oh yes, mark my words, Seinfeld – your day of reckoning is coming.”

Newman Quotes:

Newman: Hello, Jerry.

Jerry Seinfeld: Hello, Newman.

Newman: Well, I wouldn’t hear of it. I said, “Nice try, granny!” And I sent her to the back of the line!

Newman: Hawaii, the most sought-after postal route of them all. The air is so dewy-sweet you don’t even have to lick the stamps.

Newman: Alright, alright. But just remember, when you control the mail, you control… information.

Jerry Seinfeld: Here. Take a look at this card. Tell me if you notice anything unusual about it.

Newman: Yeah, your nipple’s showing.

Jerry Seinfeld: You’re giving up that easily?

Newman: I usually do.

Jerry Seinfeld: I’m not the one with the food Newman.

Newman: Damn you, Seinfeld! You useless pustule!

Newman: Look, sister, go get yourself a cup of coffee, all right? Beat it! [pushes Elaine out the door] All right, now here’s the lowdown. Through a certain connection, I’ve been able to locate some black market shower heads. They’re all made in the former Yugoslavia. And from what I hear, the Serbs are fanatic about their showers.

Jerry Seinfeld: Not from the footage I’ve seen.

Newman: Too many people got their mail. Close to 80%. Nobody’s ever cracked the 50% barrier.

Jerry Seinfeld: I tried my best!

Newman: Exactly! You’re a disgrace to the uniform.

Newman: So I sped home to save my friend’s life and I was stopped for speeding. Yes, I admit I was speeding but it was to save a man’s life! A close friend. An innocent person who wanted nothing more out of life than to love, to be loved and to be a banker.

Jerry Seinfeld: I’m not letting you cheat Newman. You’re not getting anywhere near that board.

Newman: Jerry, I’m a little insulted.

Jerry Seinfeld: You’re not a little anything, Newman.

Newman: Please! Take me with you! Please!

Jerry Seinfeld: Get off me! You’re making me sick! Be a man!

Newman: All right! But hear me and hear me well. The day will come — oh, yes, mark my words, Seinfeld — your day of reckoning is coming, when an evil wind will blow through your little play world and wipe that smug smile off your face. And I’ll be there in all my glory, watching, watching as it all comes crumbling down!

Newman: You see my dear, certified mail is always registered, but registered mail is not necessarily certified.

Newman’s Girlfriend: I could listen to you talk all day about mail.

Newman: Anything you wish… I’ll tell you in on a little secret about zip codes… they’re meaningless.

Enzo: How’d you like to have a free haircut for six months?

Newman: What’s the catch?

Enzo: You’re going to get me a sample of Jerry’s hair.

Newman: Hmm, that job sounds like it might be worth a year’s free haircuts… and a comb!

Kramer: Newman, wait!

Newman: Kramer, I’m with people.

Kramer: Yeah, yeah. And thanks for inviting me.

Newman: I did invite you. Your invitation must have gotten…”lost in the mail.”

Newman: Wow, it was McDowell.

Jerry Seinfeld: But why? Why McDowell?

Kramer: Well, maybe because we were sitting in the right-field stands to curse at him in the bullpen all game.

Newman: He must have caught a glimpse of us when I poured that beer on his head.

George Costanza: Why are you home? You’re supposed to be out on your route and getting my calzones for Steinbrenner.

Newman: Well, I saw that it’s raining outside, so I called in sick. I don’t work in the rain.

George Costanza: But… you’re a mailman! ‘Neither rain, nor sleet, nor snow… ‘ It’s the first one!

Newman: I’ve never been much for credos.

Jerry Seinfeld: We’re trying to find out what happened to Kramer.

Newman: You wanna know what happened to Kramer? I’ll tell you what happened to Kramer. He was ticked off. About they keys. Yeah, that’s right – about the keys. Thought he got a bad rap.

Jerry Seinfeld: Bad rap?

Newman: Yeah, from you.

Jerry Seinfeld: Me?

Newman: You heard me. So he packed it up and split for the coast. La-La Land. LA.

Jerry Seinfeld: Newman, you wouldn’t it broccoli even if it was deep fried in chocolate.

Newman: What? I love broccoli.

Jerry Seinfeld: Really? Then maybe you’d like to have a piece?

Newman: Gladly…Vile weed!

Mr. Lippman: What is this guy again?

Elaine Benes: They call him a Cleaner. He makes problems go away.

Newman: Hello Elaine. Where are they?

Elaine Benes: In the back.

Newman: Alright, I’m going to need a clean 8 ounce glass.

Mr. Lippman: What is going on here?

Newman: If I’m curt, then I apologize. But as I understand it, we have a situation here and time is of the essence.

George Costanza: Let me ask you something. What do you do for a living, Newman?

Newman: I’m a United States postal worker.

George Costanza: Aren’t those the guys that always go crazy and come back with a gun and shoot everybody?

Newman: Sometimes.

Jerry Seinfeld: Why is that?

Newman: Because the mail never stops. It just keeps coming and coming and coming. There’s never a letup, it’s relentless. Every day it piles up more and more, and you gotta get it out, but the more you get out, the more keeps coming in! And then the bar code reader breaks! And then it’s Publisher’s Clearinghouse Day!

Jerry Seinfeld: All right, all right!

Newman: Let me ask you this. Don’t you find it interesting that your friend had the foresight to purchase postal insurance for your stereo? I mean parcels are rarely damaged during shipping.

Jerry Seinfeld: Define “rarely.”

Newman: Frequently.

Jerry Seinfeld: Are we about through here Newman?

Newman: It’s pretty hot under these lights, huh, Seinfeld? Pretty… Hot.

Jerry Seinfeld: Actually I am quite comfortable.

Newman: Can I have a sip?

Jerry Seinfeld: No.

Newman: Not going to play ball, huh? All right. Admit it that stereo was already busted!

Jerry Seinfeld: You can’t prove anything.

Newman: Is this or is this not your signature?

Jerry Seinfeld: No, as a matter of fact, it isn’t.

Newman: Uncle Leo? This case is closed pending further evidence… Jerry!