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Rachel – The Hamptons

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Played by: Melanie Smith

Appears in The Raincoats 1 & 2, The Hamptons, and The Opposite

With Jerry’s parents in town he is forced out of the house and makes out with Rachel while at the movies, but it was inappropriate because the movie was Schindler’s List. Rachel also sees George naked in the Hamptons while changing out of his bathing suit, leaving George feeling short changed. She ends up dumping Jerry, but he’s not bothered because he’s even Steven and everything always evens out for him.

Rachel Quotes:

Jerry: We better not. T-They’re gonna be here any second.
Rachel: When are they leaving?
Jerry: In two days.
Rachel: It’s been soo long.
Jerry: I know.
Rachel: Ok, it’s only two more days.


Rachel: Train was so crowded. I had to sit in the seat facing the wrong way.
Jerry: Oh I like that. It’s like going back in time.
George: Hey Rachel!
Rachel: Hi. I’m gonna go in there to change.
George: What kind of a greeting was that?
Jerry: She’s got greeting problems.


Rachel: What’d you want anyway, George?
Jerry: Yes, George. I’m kind of wondering myself. What is it what you want?
George: No, I was just wondering… if you guys, uh, had any gum.
Jerry: Oh! So you were swimming in the pool, and you wanted some gum.
George: Yes, because the water was cold… and the chewing warms me up.
Rachel: We don’t have any gum.
George: Okay. Thanks anyway.
Rachel: Strange man.
Jerry: Wait’ll you get to know him.


Rachel: So where is this baby, anyway?
Jerry: Oh, check it out. I guarantee you’ve never seen anything quite so objectionable. It’s down the hall, third door on your left.
Rachel: Oh my God! I’m sorry, I thought this was the baby’s room. I’m really sorry.
George: I was in the pool! I was in the pool!


Kramer: Rachel, aren’t you gonna have any?
Rachel: Oh, no, I can’t. I’m kosher, we don’t eat shellfish.
Kramer: You mean you’ve never tasted lobster?
Rachel: No.
Kramer: Wow. You’re so pious. I really respect that. You know when you die, you’re gonna get some special attention.


Kramer: Looking for this?
Rachel: Oh, Kramer! You startled me.
Kramer: Well, I thought you might wind up around here
Rachel: Yeah, well, I couldn’t stop thinking about how everyone was enjoying the lobster so much. I thought I little taste wouldn’t hurt, huh?
Kramer: I’m afraid I couldn’t do that.
Rachel: Why not?
Kramer: Well, that wouldn’t be kosher.
Rachel: C’mon, Kramer. I really want to try it.
Kramer: Nah, I’m sorry, honey. Not on my watch.
Rachel: Come on, Kramer.


Rachel: Kramer, I just want to thank you again for last night, you really saved me.
Michael: What happened?
Rachel: Well, I almost tried the lobster, but Kramer stopped me.
Kramer: You’d regret it for the rest of your life.
Rachel: You’re right, I would have.
Jerry: Hey, look at this guy.
George: A little breakfast.
Jerry: Yeah.
George: And, uh, you eat eggs, right?
Rachel: Yes, I do, thanks.
Jerry: Geez, these are delicious. Where did you learn to make eggs like this?
Rachel: Umm… This is so good.
George: Ah, enjoying them?
Rachel: Mm-hmm.
George: Uh, good. You know, you might wanna try eating it with one of these.
Rachel: There’s lobster in these eggs?
George: Not that much. You know, they tend to shrink in the water.


Jerry : I’ll tell you what the big advantage of homosexuality is. If you’re going out with someone your size, right there you double your wardrobe.
Rachel : I suppose…
Jerry : Oh, come on, that’s a huge feature. When they approach a new recruit, I’m sure that’s one of the big selling points.
Rachel : Jerry …
Jerry : Yes?
Rachel : I’ve been doing a lot of thinking.
Jerry : Aha?
Rachel : Well, I don’t think we should see each other any more.
Jerry : Oh, that’s okay.
Rachel : What?
Jerry : Nah, that’s fine. No problem. I’ll meet somebody else.
Rachel : You will?
Jerry : Sure. See, things always even out for me.
Rachel : Huh?
Jerry : It’s fine. Anyway, it’s been really nice dating you for a while. And … good luck!
Rachel : Yeah, you too.


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