Played by: Lauren Graham
Appears in The Millennium
Jerry becomes obsessed with Valerie’s ranking him on her speed dial.
Valerie: Ready to go? I don’t wanna miss the previews.
Jerry: Me neither. I love the previews. In fact I enjoy being in the theatre. Last week after a preview, I yelled out ‘Must miss’.
Valerie: I think that I was in that theatre. That, that was really funny.
Jerry: Yeah, it got a good laugh. Let me just check my messages before we go.
Jerry: Hi. Sorry I’m late. There’s a lotta chairs and balloons in my apartment. How ’bout I make it up to you with dinner?
Valerie: Someplace nice this time?
Jerry: Yeah, I’m sorry about that Mongolian barbecue last night. I’d heard good things.
Valerie: I don’t know, got a two in Zagat’s.
Valerie: Oh, flowers. You didn’t have to do that. I mean, the dinner, and the play, and the hansom cab ride.
Jerry: Well, I just wanted to… (breaks off) You forgot the gift certificate to Barnes and Noble.
Jerry: …you know, make a good impression.
Valerie: I’m gonna go put these in some water.
Jerry: I like the way you think.
Jerry: You know uh, Valerie, I uh, couldn’t help but notice that I’m on your speed-dial.
Valerie: You deserve it.
Jerry: But I can’t help thinking that maybe there’s someone in your life who deserves it more. Someone you’ve known, you know, more than a week.
Valerie: My stepmother got to you, didn’t she?
Jerry: What? No.
Valerie: Uuh, I can’t believe she did this again. That’s it! She’s off the speed-dial completely!
Valerie: Jerry, I was just at my stepmom’s house, and I saw that you were on her speed-dial.
Jerry: Uh, well, she uh, probably just wanted to be able to keep tabs on you. Hold on a second. Hello?
Mrs. Hamilton: Hi Jerome.
Jerry: Oh, Mrs Hamilton, this is a very bad time. I’ve got Valerie on the other line. Just a second. Hello?
Valerie: That’s her on the other line, isn’t it?
Valerie: Tell her I don’t want you on her speed-dial.
Jerry: Hang on. She knows about the speed-dial. Mrs Hamilton, you gotta get me off this thing.
Mrs. Hamilton: I won’t, until she puts me back on hers.
Jerry: Hang on. She wants to be back on yours.
Valerie: Fine. But only if you’re off hers.
Jerry: Hang on. Fine, if I’m off yours.
Valerie: No, still me.
Jerry: Sorry. Hang on.
Valerie: Who’s this?
Jerry: It’s Jerry. Who’s this?
Valerie: Uh, it’s Valerie.
Jerry: Oh, hi Valerie. What’s up?
Valerie: I’ll tell you what’s up. My stepmother is violently ill, so I hit the button for poison control and I get you!
Jerry: Wow, poison control? That’s even higher than number one! Hello?